My 2 kids

Dear, God.

Please help me to get through this hard time, I thought I already overcome it, I thought I already managed to forget him, managed to take a baby step ahead to start on a new life.

Why? do i miss him terribly again this few days... my health start to deteriorate... I lost my appetite, having sleeplessness nite.

I keep telling myself that I have to be strong, I have to struggle to live for the sake of my 2 kids, they'll be more pity without me... Mummy wanna apologize to you 2, that mummy always makes you 2 worry.

I had a minor cut at the finger yesterday, the wound bleeded nonestop, I can see from my kids' eyes that they are so afraid of losing me... my son & daughter grip my hand so tightly and plead me to be strong and eat more, they complained that I have been losing a lot of weight recently... I am really sorry, dear... Mummy loves you, Ja & Lia.

Mum....I need you!

I feel so moody since last week.

Partially, its b'cos mum started to give me cold treatment again.. I moved back to stay with my mum for nearly a month, I help her up with all house chores, cooking and washing. Recently, she even asked me to prepare dinner, eventhough I'll only be able to reach home around 6:30pm.

I don't have the intention to criticize my mum, b'cos she is still my biological mum.

I fulfilled her every needs and request, but she doesn't appreciate at all, she always think i have not repay her enough, for she has raised me.

I always remember, when i was violently beaten up by my drug addicted ex-husband, she never stand by me and say a word for me, she even told my ex-parent in law that she doesn't wanna get involve.. just b'cos they are wealthy, then you can let them torture your daughter??

Mum... I am not a superwomen.

Mum, even if you can just says that you love me... its already means the world to me.

A moment of sadness

I suddenly got spanked by sadness this morning. Out of the blue, I cried my lung out again.. Why are women so sentimental? why can't we be more manly and conscious? I try to keep myself busy and occupy, I know I'll breakdown again, if I let to have free time.

I never love a man this deeply and whole heartedly before... I love him more than my own life.. I know if he doesn't wants me, nothing can makes him stay. I know I have to let go... to start on with a new life... I know time can heal, but the scar will forever be there... as he has hurted me deeply.. Its really hard to forgive and forget.. I know I have to try really hard..

I received an email from Jo, I wish to share with all my ladies friends.

WHAT OPRAH HAD TO SAY ABOUT MEN!
[1] If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
[2] If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
[3] Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
[4] Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
[5] Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.
[6] Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
[7] If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't be "friends". A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
[8] Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
[9] The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
[10] Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women.He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?
[11] Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
[12] Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up.
[13] Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
[14] You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within.
[15] Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are... even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god.
[16] He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
[17] Never let a man define who you are.
[18] Never borrow someone else's man.
[19] If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
[20] A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
[21] All men are NOT dogs.
[22] You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is two- way street.
[23] You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship
[24] You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complimentary .....not supplementary.
[25] Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.
[26] Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him - he takes it for granted.
[27] Never move into his mother's house. Never co-sign for a man.
[28] Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.
[29] Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

3 Cars collision

I caught in car accident last December... 3 cars collision... but of course not my fault lah! As I am an obedient and steady driver. ~_~

It was a drizzling day, planned to go for a short trip to Serian, after dropping off my daughter to school. On the way back home, just in front of the temple at 2nd mile, there were 2 traffic lights, within a short distance of 800 meters. Everybody was driving so carefully and queuing up obediently, so is me! Somemore got plan in mind mah! so damn excited!

Suddenly, I saw the damn kancil behind me, was heading so fast towards my car, and bang onto my adorable new saga car.. all my belonging flew to the back, even the bluetooth that i plucked on my ear... due to the huge impact, my car was pushed to kiss the cute kelissa in front of me... I was so damn damn mad, but was in shocked. Thanks god, I did bucked up my seatbelt... if not, sure i also flew out from the windscreen *_*

I wish to take this opportunity to thanks the police man who issued me compound previously, for not buck up the seatbelt... hehe!

I got down from car, and head to the Kancil behind me... thought wanna screw him, but that pening macho tattoo man, looks so pale... so, i thought he's injured, but later i found out its not.... that damn macho man was drunk.... geram!

We headed to the Simpang Tiga Police station to lodge report, waited for almost an hour, thats the proudness of efficiency of our MALAYSIA police station, and they expect everyone of us, including cat and dog, must speak bahasa malaysia, as this is MALAY ASIA!

I was scolded badly by the police who took my statement for not fluent in speaking bahasa malay asia, b'cos he can't understand ENGLISH! He also barked at the poor kelissa lady driver... and she was almost in tears..

Is it a very wrong of not speaking fluent BAHASA MALAY ASIA? I thought they always emphasis on service with a SMILE?? Maybe, if i got the title of Datin or Puan Sri, only then, they will service me with a SMILE???

And until todate, i still haven't receive my claim for lost of use.. its been several months until now.. I tried to call the 3rd party insurance company, they says that they send out the knock for knock form to my insurance company, pending for their reply, but when i call my insurance company, they clarified that they didn't receive the form... so, where the heck is the form then... lost in the sea?? so damn angry lah!! we have to pay our insurance premium punctually... but when it comes to claims, it take ages...

Certificate of Love

Moved back to stay with my parent since last month, all my stuffs still lying around. I found this Valentine card, the 1st valentine card I gave him.

CERTIFICATE OF LOVE

I hereby present _______ this certificate of my love.

I love you not only for what you are,

but for what I am when I am with you.

I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me.

I love you for passing over all my foolish and weak traits that you can't help but see.

I love you for drawing out into the light my strength that no one else had looked quite far enough to find.

I LOVE YOU.

You're all I need to brighten my days and make me smile..

You're all I need to share my hope, the dreams I'm dreaming of,

You're all I need to make me happy.

Deep down in my heart, I know I still love this man... no matter how he hurted me ~_~

Nite out! Epi 2

As promised, here the photo taken at Hilton lobby with my two beautiful friends, Karen & Diana. There are still some other photos, yet to locate. I didn't manage to meet up with June for a drink, as she suddenly caught a bad flu, so appointment was postpone to a later date *_*

Happy Easter Day

Went for a shop with daddy, sister and amelia at Spring Shopping Mall, there was an impressive Easter Day decor at the center court, so we hastily took some photos.

Me & my sister, Christina.

Nite out!

Gonna have a drinking session with June tonite at her house.. yamsen! yamsen! Will bring my red wine over (kept for ages) and GET RID OF IT. ^_^ Dunno why in a sudden, feel the urge wanna get a bit drunk tonite and cry my lung out.. stopid me! still missing my ex-bf terribly..

Hopefully, i would not get so drunk... as later I gotta catch up with my friends, Karen & Diana at Hilton to have a nice shoot.. so that i can paste it on my BLOG! ^_* So, stay tune ya!

SOB SOB

Age is catching up.. went to join yoga class last nite, done a lots of stretching & balancing.. its being a long long time, i never had a good workout. Ends up, whole bodyache last nite... somemore hands & feets all trembling now.. like 70+ old women.. *_* Probably, need some overhall already..

Today not draw day leh ho! my friend, Diana.. suddenly called me for breakfast this morning.. but.. due to the workout last nite, I totally got no appetite at all lah... however, due to her great sincerity, die die also must go.. *_^ Diana boh! Its really hard to date her 1 leh! She is a great friend lah.. so is karen and cm... they are there to cushion me, the moment when my bf left me, I was having a really hard hard time, but they are always there to make sure that I dun do anything silly, keep talking and counselling me. Thanks friend, I love you all.

I also wish to take this opportunity to thanks Jo, Momo, June, Mag, Agnes & Jenny for their mentally support, to keep me on-going, for the sake of you all - who loves me, I'll stay strong!

Thanks friend, I love you all!

A break! a break!

Crying for a break now....

The places that i love most is Kota Kinabalu, Sabah, but, its also the saddest memories I had. I went there twice for holiday with my ex-bf. We had a great great time together.. we played a lot of water sports games that we never try in our life. We took a lot of pictures of our precious moment.

The most memorable times was while we were at Nexus resort, Karambunai. We were having our dinner at Kingfisher restaurant, whereby there were bands that they go round your table and sing song. He called for the band and he sing me a song ("Xiao Wui"), he also sweared that he'll be my cushion when i falled, his sincerity really touched my heart... I sweared that I'll love this man forever...

Until todate, the pain is still so unbearable... I wish i can get through it soonest...

Cut or not cut!

Cut or not cut? I have been struggling this few days, whether to cut or not to cut my hair short.. I have long hair for ages, after my bf left me, i really think wanna change my outlook.. to refresh.. but ah! dun have the guts boh! i afraid if i cut short, i'll regret.. haiz!!!! or maybe, just do some highlight to my hair lah ho! I am forbidden to dye my hair since i'm with my bf, b'cos he complained that i looks like china lady!! really ah! so now, ok loh! he left, means i can dye and cut my hair freely...

Easter Day

Brought Amelia for shopping at Boulevard shopping mall with friend, Agnes. There are lots of decoration for Easter Day. It makes me remember how our Jesus Christ sacrificed his life for our sin. I grown up in a christian family, but ever since i married, I never take the initiative to go to church, even after i divorced.

I started to go to church now, after my bf left me. I finally realised the faith in God, for he has never abandon me. No matter how sinful I am, he'll forgive me, as long as i confess to him.

Single again

Love changed, people changed. I trusted LOVE last forever. I had a great relationship for the past 2yrs plus, I always so grateful that God grants me such a wonderful man to my life. He has been so caring, loving, humble and patience. I am always his first priority. He sweared me moon and star, and he promised to hold my hand until my last breathe, he promised he'll be there for me, no matter under what circumstances.

And now, he left.. without a clear reason. I was in great pain, couldn't sleep well, eat well nor live. I cried everyday.. and I almost wanted to ends my life. Luckily, I found God.

I told him, I'll still be there for him, as I when i promised... It will be a promise.

I don't hate him, but i forgive him... ya! I'm damn silly, but thats LOVE.